West Lethargy and Life!

Oh Life.
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no, I've said too much
I set it up
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight, I'm
Losing my religion.

What a great way to start a blog. With a little R.E.M. I'm not REALLY losing my religion. I'm losing faith in a lot of things, right now, it's love, but one issue at a time.

It's been a while since I've blogged. I've gotten away from a lot of the thing that were in my habitual nature, but I'm trying to get it back. Blogging was always a way for me to get things off my chest, as I'm not really a "hold everything in" kinda guy. I've been holding a lot in for so long, and I needed to blog.

I'm writing this on the eve of a very important night.

Tomorrow - WEST LETHARGY, Page 121 Production's Second play opens tomorrow. We booked a slot in the EAST TO EDINBURGH Festival at 59E59 Theaters, a great NYC Venue. I'm thrilled to have produced this amazing show at it's fullest, most giving capacity. I'm also acting in it, so I'm filling a bunch of my artistic needs. We're getting reviewed, which is huge for Page 121. Here's hoping that this will open up many doors for us.

On July 31st, I will be starting a new adventure, traveling to the Fringe Festival in Edinburgh, Scotland with West Lethargy. So tomorrow is only show one of 24 shows. It will be the longest I've ever ran a show. And I'm thrilled about it. Traveling was something that I've always wanted to do, and I'm blessed with the chance to get to Scotland once again. I will miss my SRU clan.

I don't feel like there is a need to update you all about my life as a professional in NYC because we've been keeping in touch via facebook.

I am however, writing this blog to you with a very wounded heart. So many good things have been happening in my life, and I'm thankful for them, so when I had to lose my best friend, it was a shock and a travel down a road that I never really thought I had to go down. I understand that these things happen and that it is part of life, it is the moving on part that's tough. To have someone be a part of your life for almost a year - to be there for every opening night, late night phone calls, airport trips, broadway dates, and to suddenly be left alone with nothing but memories of what you were, is hard.

I've always been insensitive towards people that say "my heart is broken". I used to think, "Oh suck it up and move on..." but now I know, it's not that easy. This has happened to me, and now I can have empathy for others that come to me with the same problem.

It's been hard, not gonna lie. I was told that I shouldnt try and figure out the "why" and that there is no true logic to "why" it happened. Sudden life changes don't mix with me very well. Don't get me wrong, I can deal with change, I've been dealing with it, but to lose someone that you thought would always be there for you, and to look back on memories, that's a change that is going to take a little more time.

Everyone keeps asking me why I'm not angry or upset...Well, that's not me. I'm full of love, and I guess it is a matter of being with someone that can appreciate it. This last person, has so much of my heart...but hopefully time will heal me and then I'll be able to regain the ability to let someone else in...someday.

I still don't think I regret loving someone. I mean, I did about a month ago...but when you love someone, and you know it, whether they feel the same way or now, it helps you as a person to see who you are and what you are capable of. I never knew I could open my heart this much, but I did...sure the result was very bad and hurtful...and, would I do it all over again? In a heartbeat. I'm just going on a sabbatical from love. At least until I'm back from Scotland. Who knows, I might fall in love in Edinburgh and just not return...here's hoping, eh?

Right now, as I'm writing this talking about my failed relationship, I'm watching Michael and Ben on Queer as Folk, dancing in their living room to a slow song. These are the moments that I valued and the ones that I miss. I'm not feeling any bitterness...that's a lie...I get bitter towards happy couples at times, only because I used to be part of a happy couple, or so I thought. No matter how well you think you know someone, you may never really know how happy or unhappy they were until afterwards.

This reminds me of a lyric from Avenue Q:

"I don't have the time to waste on you anymore...
I Don't think you ever know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity I've gotta close the door, and walk away"

On the train today, i heard Goodbye Love from RENT, and when MiMi says "I just came to say goodbye love" sort of hit home. I can't really listen to music these days, to many things are a reminder, and right now, I just want to forget.

Phew.

That was a lot of emotional vomit.

Sorry about that. Actually, it felt good to let this all out.

If you're in NYC you should check out WEST LETHARGY playing 7/14, 15, 24, and 25!

I hope life is treating you all so kindly with much success and lots of good health!

Best,

Jeff